Giving Up
by innocentjester
Summary: From the POV of Matt, he left Wammy's House and this is a reflection of what he's giving up. Rated for Strong MelloXNear overtones and language... and Angsty bits


**Hello every body… Just a little gibberish I thought up over my morning coffee. Apparently my Matt muse was feeling angsty this morning due to my sudden MelloXNear fetish that has been taking up most of my time…. He promptly ran away from home. However he left this little emo rant before he left. Rated for yoai under tones (LOL), strong language, and the suggestion of an eating disorder. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or the characters in, near (lol near), or around Death Note.. Also Mild to Moderate MelloXNear suggestiveness in this piece. If you don't like it then don't ready… okie dokies… **

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**Giving up: POV Matt **

"**Aren't you kind of young to be riding the plane all the way to the US?" The overly talkative man across from me chortled. I guess this is what they call small talk. **

"**Don't you have someone back there who will be missing you?" It was an innocent question, it deserved an innocent answer, one I was sure I could not provide. **

**I thought back the place I came from, the place that I was raised, the place where a giant number 3 was permanently tattooed in the air above me. **

**I thought back to what Roger had said when I told him I was leaving, **

"Are you sure that you want to give up your number three spot? Are you sure you and to give up your friends? Your home?"

**It was so easy for him to say, because to he thought I was giving up. **

**Did you even understand Roger? What it was I was giving up? To you I was just giving up my name, my home, my friends… was that really all that was? **

I'm giving up my very first real memory; he was informing me I was _his _friend… _his _and only _his_.

I was giving up the warm, tingling rush I get when ever he called my name, even when I pretending to ignore him, just so I could hear it again.

I'm giving up the smell of chocolate mixed with vanilla scented shampoo, when he lazily fell asleep on my shoulder after an all-nighter. I told him once it annoyed me, though I never stopped him from doing it…

I'm giving up the indifferent mask that put on when ever he talks about being number one… or number two…. Which ever he was more angry about at the moment.

I'm giving up the over abused volume button on the remote that I turned up every time I wanted to drown out the seductive sound of him snapping chocolate.

I'm giving up the feeling I first had when he referred to me as his "best friend". A feeling of belonging, and trust that I had never felt before, my most treasured feeling…

I'm giving up the first time I knew that I was in love with him… it was so anti-climatic… so random, so unromantic… I was an experiment to him… he was my everything… the feeling of his lips on mine… the taste of chocolate mixed with the smell of my last cigarette.

I'm giving up the feeling I felt when he confided in me his deepest and most tortured feelings….. for some one else… and the dumb ass smile I gave him when I stupidly told him to go for it.

I'm giving up the first time I saw them kissing in the hallway, I jokingly yelled "get a room!" and then promptly ran to the bath room to vomit.

I'm giving up the moment I realized… that I only felt better after voiding… breakfast, lunch, dinner… before class, after class… in the middle of the night… the only feeling of control I had in my whole life.

I'm giving up the sleep-less nights when I heard the door to our room open and close signifying he was leaving for the night.

I'm giving up the nauseated feeling I always got when I heard the bed creek on the other side of the wall.

I'm giving up the sounds of the moaning, and the groaning, and the cries of pure ecstasy, that I was forced to endure but was never apart of.

I'm giving up the pain as I was forced to bite my lip till it bled to stop myself from screaming at the top of my lungs… " I can hear you…. I'm right here…"

I'm giving up the fake, meaningless, broken smile that I put on every morning when I was forced to look at his face… their faces… and pretend there was nothing wrong.

I'm giving up the only sound that was louder then the sounds of their nightly escapades… the sound that was deafening to my ears… the sound of my own heart breaking.

I'm giving up the look he gave me when he followed me after lunch one day… and found out why I could eat so much and stay so thin… The feeling of him punching me in the gut when I told him it was "none of his fucking business"… The look of pain and disappointment in his eyes…

I'm giving up the last look I had of him, laying there on his bed snapping chocolate… when the only thing I had said to him was "bye", the raised eye brow he gave me, the "Are you going to the library?" he had asked… I had contemplated telling him the truth… I was a wimp… "Yeah" I had said… hiding my sack from his eyes… "K, see you at dinner" he had replied… "sure thing" I had said…

I'm giving up the confused look he gave me as I stupidly waved and smiled… I was crying… did he notice?

I'm giving up the promise I made to be by his side no matter what he chose to do… I'm a wimp.. I couldn't handle it…

Out of everything I'm giving up… I'm contented some how to know… I'm giving up him.

"**No, not really" I replied to the man with the 100 watt smile in the first class section of the ride to the rest of my life. **

**He smiled at me, did he know what a huge cop out I was? Hell no… **

**I had given that up. **

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**So I had posted here a while ago that I was contemplating making this a full fic. Got a nice response so I'm currently working on it. The full fic version of this one shot is called "Just to see you smile", so if you want to look it up… thanks ~Shu **


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